Irony
by UnicornsRKickass
Summary: Cartman and Kyle are surprised when they run into eachother at a supermarket store, and see that both have changed quite dramatically - one for the better, and one for the worse.


Eric Cartman waltzed into the supermarket like he was a bigshot. He was so deep in thought about himself and his awesomeness that he didn't even notice himself knocking an old woman over as he entered the store. The woman stumbled over and tripped, but he casually ignored her. He simply brushed off his business suit and continued along his way, the woman glaring at him.

Now that he was an infamous lawyer with his own fancy law firm, Cartman no longer cared about crossing paths with anyone - whether it be the police, the regular people he pissed off on a daily basis, or his lowly pack of employees. He was as they call "legally untouchable", and for that reason did just about whatever he wanted - all the time. Just like his childhood dream had always entailed. Manipulation skills had taken him far in life. And in life, the super cool and awesome people (such as himself) went to the top of the chain, while the uncool losers (such as Butters) ended up at the bottom, working jobs like Cartman's office assistant/slave. Of course, he'd fired the dork last week for not filing his papers correctly in alphabetical order. That wasn't a big deal though since Butters was easily replaceable by some other wimp.

Cartman found the cereal aisle and grabbed a box of whole grain cereal, the type with the "heart healthy" label on it. Just a couple of years ago, he would have never even considered eating such vile, pseudo-healthy foods. Instead he would've gone straight for the cheesy poofs, chocolate puffs and honey bun-nums. But it was around the time he had a falling out with his so called "childhood friends" for the millionth time over being fat that he really decided to change. After so many years of being insulted about his weight, he finally found the will power to stop eating tons of crap.

Now he truly _could_ say he was just big boned. For the first time in his life, Eric Cartman was not fat. He felt pretty good about it, along with the fact that he was super rich and successful. _And_ that he now had every gaming system available to mankind.

Ironically, the healthier he began to eat, the more disdain he gained for junk foods and overweight people. He really could not stand them now. He now hated fat people almost as much as he hated Jews. And nowadays he had to deal with so many Jewish lawyers on a daily basis that it drove him crazy. They were all rude, manipulating and self-driven; totally unlike himself, he thought. This bothered him immensely.

He sneered at the thought of being selfish while he scoped out the shortest cash register line he could find. He may have had just one item, but there was no way he was going to scan it himself. That's what cashiers were hired for, right?

He waited in the line and found himself stuck behind an overweight man with way too many groceries for just one person. As if he hadn't seen enough of them in the supermarket already. Obesity was popping up everywhere nowadays, America was eating itself alive. He took a mental note of that, wondering if he could make a lawsuit of it somehow. Perhaps sue a junk food company or something.

He rolled his eyes at the fat ginger ahead of him, who was almost wide enough to block the aisle. Of course this man was taking his sweet old time, loading junk like cookies and pretzels onto the conveyor belt. It was _seriously_ pissing Mr. Cartman off, so as he waited, he pretended to cough and cover his mouth while hissing the word "hippo" at the same time. The man in front of him heard it, but pretended to ignore him as he picked his items out of the cart.

Everyone in this damn town was so slow and stupid, just like always, he thought. Even the cashier seemed to be working in slow motion. Cartman tapped his foot impatiently, shaking his box of cereal as if to signal them to move faster. He couldn't wait any longer! His time was precious, and worth way more than anyone else's.

"_Jesus christ_", he sighed, finally breaking down after another minute passed and the man still hadn't loaded his things on yet. "Can you just put his items on layaway while I pay for this? I'm sure tubby here can afford to wait an extra minute. But _oh_, then again he might lose a few calories waiting." he sneered. "God forbid that happens!"

The other man turned around rather quickly, ready to retort something back at him, but his face fell instantly once he recognized who it was. Then his mouth dropped. "_Cartman_?"

Eric raised an eyebrow. How did he know his name? It took a few seconds for him to recognize that the fat ginger was actually Kyle; his old time, childhood enemy. It had only been a few years since he last saw him, but then again Kyle wasn't exactly _obese_ five years ago.

That's when Cartman burst into laughter, a laughter so loud that it woke the cashiers out of their lazy dazes. He made no effort to contain himself. Kyle furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance. Things between them had not changed at all, except that now the tables had turned.

"_Shut up_ fat-" Kyle caught himself mid-sentence, then looked down at the floor in shame. This only made Cartman laugh harder.

"Oh mah god, this is priceless!" he chuckled. "Seriouslah! Were you going to call me fat? Because I don't really think you're in a predicament to say-"

Kyle clenched his teeth. "Shut your fucking mouth."

"Oh ah'm sorry, but I don't take advice from someone who constantly puts food into theirs. Am I keeping you from a date with those cookies?" he sneered, his laughter building up again. Kyle shook his head. He was too tired to argue back. "Shut up. It's _not _for me." he lied.

"Yeah right! You certainly didn't become fatter than your bitch mother eating _nothing_!" Cartman could only vaguely remember Kyle's mom, since the two had never gotten along well. The last time he'd seen her, she was as overweight as she'd ever been and in a wheelchair. That memory made him laugh again.

Kyle twitched. He clenched his fists, but then quickly turned away, leaving his items behind in the store. Without another word, he was gone.

* * *

It rained that afternoon, but Kyle didn't see that as an excuse not to visit his mother. He trudged through the cemetary for ten minutes until reaching a grave stone with wilted flowers on it.

He pushed them off to reveal his mother's name engraved into the stone. Then he placed a new bunch of flowers down, partially bent in half from the wind. "I'm sorry, ma." he whispered, arranging the flowers as neatly as he could. "I'm going to end up where you are soon if I don't stop."

As he touched her gravestone, he remembered the advice he'd given his mother before she died. It was advice he'd given up on himself. She was hanging on a thread of life, but still refused to give up her eating habits. After Kyle's parents got a divorce, the only thing that made his mother happy was eating. He tried everything to make her stop, but she wouldn't.

He offered to take her to a Barbara Streisand concert. He even offered to take her on a trip to France with his last savings. Nothing would get her out of the house. And she refused to try anything even resembling a "diet".

It was only after she died that Kyle's own appetite turned into a coping mechanism. To hell with the healthy eating habits he preached, none of it seemed to matter anymore. A salad couldn't cure loneliness, but a sugar glazed donut sure did. He found himself getting bigger and bigger, feeling tired and dragged down every day, as though he were dragging himself down to the grave as well.

A hand suddenly touched his shoulder, causing him to jump. "Kyle? I thought I'd find you here." Stan said.

"Oh Jesus, you scared me." Kyle panted, then leaned down again to rearrange the flowers on his mother's grave. He actually didn't want to deal with his friend right now. All Stan ever did was bug him when he wanted to be left alone; he would preach the same things he'd once preached to his mother. Nothing he didn't already know about. It's not like he wasn't aware he was destroying his health and becoming a shut in hermit, he just didn't give a crap.

Stan left him in silence for a few moments, til the awkwardness finally bit him. "Hey, you want to like, go for a run or something?"

Kyle tried not to get mad, he really did. But his friends just didn't understand how alone he was. He turned to face his skinny friend, "I appreciate what you're trying to do, but this is something I have to deal with myself. Besides, it's really not that big a deal."

"But it is a big deal, look what you're doing to yourself! You just need to get some willpower." Stan suggested, but that only set Kyle off.

"It's not _about _willpower, Stan. You just don't understand." he gritted through his teeth.

Stan backed away, partially offended. "Sorry, geez, I was just trying to help." he rubbed his hands together, now feeling awkward for intruding. Things had really changed with Kyle since his mom passed. Maybe they weren't even friends anymore.

He was about to turn and leave, when Kyle spoke up again. "I saw Cartman today."

Stan turned around and looked with interest. "Really? What was he doing back here?"

"I don't know, but..well, he definitely wasn't fat anymore. I couldn't believe it. And he wouldn't stop laughing at me either. And that's when it hit me, I couldn't even call him fatass anymore. Just _look at me_." Kyle shrugged, feeling defeated.

Stan rolled his eyes. "Cartman will always be a fat-ass. He has a fat ego and keeps it shoved up his ass all the time."

Kyle laughed. He had rarely laughed at all that year. Maybe things could change. If someone as lazy and careless as Cartman managed to get in shape, then he had a lot of catching up to do.

"How about basketball?" he half-grinned.

* * *

_This story was just supposed to be_ _funny originally__. I just thought it would be hilarious to make Kyle even bigger than Cartman._

_But somehow it ended up all mopey and depressing and I killed Kyle's mom.. :s_

_Yeah, I apologize..I'll just leave it to you to imagine what happens next. Does he kill himself with his own morbidly depresssing food addiction? Or does he change? Dun dun dun _


End file.
